still haven't found what im looking for

Back in Mexico I couldn't wait to move on. I was tired of the same old thing repeating. I was so ready to leave, to live on my own, to decide things for myself, to learn about who I am.

I was ready, but now I'm not so sure. I don't even understand why I'm here. Don't get me wrong. I love the city, I've made some friends, I like life, but I'm not satisfied. (C'mon Ben! You're in one of the most amazing cities in the world, full of life, full of ideas and culture...you're not satisfied?) Yeah, I'm a loser.

I want to do something different with my life. I feel like studying things that I don't care about while I'm accruing debt is wasting me and my time. Frankly I'd like to study music, practice, practice, so that someday I might write beautiful songs. That's what I really want.

Im thinking about the future. Whether I'm gonna look back on all this and see a waste. I don't want that to happen. No one wants to look at something they've invested time in, only to realize it's all wrong, or that it should have been done differently.

What if I'm not what society wants me to be? What if I'd rather be poor than rich? Dirty than clean? What if I hate commitment? What if I want life simple? No office desk and papers. No blackberry to call my business "buddies." No tickets to France for my wife and I on our two week vacation to get away from the kids. No man! I wanna live, not be what everyone else says is good for me.

A guitar and piano. A small apartment. Food in the fridge. A friend. Maybe a few dollars in a drawer. Why ask for any more?

This is such a short post compared to all the thoughts up in the brain.

Guess wut?

I'm in NYC.

I've been here for almost two months. My bank account is running low. I have no job.

I think I'll take to playing ukelele in the subway.

Come and visit and we'll go to my favorite cafe in the Village.

This song is moving even though it's old.

A lot

I’m on my way to Nashville,the land of country music and I don’t know what else. Right now, I’m suspended over some fluffy looking white clouds and am about to descend into Dallas for my flight connection. The stewardess mentioned something about a change in flight connections, but I’m sure I’ll figure that out when I get down there. Probably doesn’t have anything to do with me anyway (hope so). Gotta land, be right back!

Okay. So now I’m on my second flight (everything worked out swimmingly), headed into the heart of Nashville. Should be there in less than two hours. This will be kinda a weird blog; its probably just gonna be a bunch of random thoughts compounding this last week (grad week) and whatever else I feel like. Ha!

(first thought) So. now that It’s all over with, looking back is interesting. Quick pictures flash through my mind. I can glimpse parts from the senior’s slide shows, all the people in front of me as I sit and they applaud, the after banquet party, playing pool, talking with good friends and then grad day----looking at the crowd of expectant faces as I walk through them, then giving my speech (embarrassing myself?) and staying up to eat three mini-burgers. Then skip ahead a little, finish packing all my stuff, (things I haven’t touched since fourth grade), driving up to El Paso, saying goodbye to my house, my city. My home! Then today, say goodbye to mom and dad, who have been by my side since, well, you know when.

(second thought) On my last flight, I sat next to a pleasant nasally voiced elderly woman. We didn’t talk much but towards the end of the flight, we started chatting about this and that. Half the time I wasn’t really sure what she was saying, she acted like I was part of her everyday life and new about all the things and places she was referring to. But why I bring this up is one thing she said to me. She mentioned that her son is an air-traffic controller. She said, “Our son is...” not “mine” but “our.” And it struck me, “what would that be like?” To have someone you’re so close to, even though he (for me she) isn’t present, you still include them in your conversations with strangers as if they were there. As if you are both the same person. Even though that day may come late for me, or never come, I look forward to it, if it does.

(third thought) Death Cab for Cutie won’t watch me die. But who will?

(fourth thought) Would God let two-hundred people die, just to gain the attention of one person who doesn’t know Him? I don’t know.

(fifth thought) I miss my friends. Isaac buddy, times have been awesome. I’m gonna miss you. (i’ll probably be in nashville) Emily, three years, through thick and thin, who’s gonna plan my life? (maybe you can do it long distance) Christy, who in NYC is gonna bring pictionary to Starbucks and make quirky maps? (thanksgiving plans must happen)

This is long.

Can we become sunshine?

I just found out that I love something. I've flirted with it before but have had little success. And to put it plainly our relationship has been a troubled one. But tonight I know!

I was standing out on a balcony looking over this huge city, and I had a few minutes to myself, just to think. No school, no music, and no friends. And that's when it happened. That's when I found out that I was in love with independence, freedom and being alone. What all those combined are I don't know but it's this feeling. I had the choice of staying on the balcony if I so wished, I could leave it, or could have even jumped off! It was all up to me and now I'm in love with doing what I want to do. To walk down a street by myself, to turn down a certain street instead of another simply because I want to. To suddenly stop and listen to the sound of the city or to break into a run and make people wonder why. Maybe this makes me a control freak? (orpossiblejustafreak)

Back to the balcony real fast. Anybody can decide where they want to go when they're on a balcony right? Of course! But, think about it, do they realize that?

And now my life is about to open up into a world of freedom. I can't wait! It's a little late and my thoughts might not be flowing, but this thought was important to me and I wanted to write it down. (however poorly written) It' gotta all fit together somehow...

Anyway, I'm pulling late-Ben-hours right now, so I need to go to bed.
Listen, this is freedom in music.

ben In the Future

It's starting to sink in. A lot. Or at least a lot more than it has before. I'm looking around me and continually realizing that I'm not going to see all of this (what I've known since I was two) for many, many years. Oh boy...I can't believe this! (That wasn't an excited exclamation point, that was a frustrated/surprised/manyotheremotions one)

I can't believe this. I don't see myself as a very emotional person. I can seem to steel myself to something I don't like, or make fun of it in my mind. But this one is sending me through the ringer. I'm not entirely sure how to react; I was almost angry all day! I know! Not me? But I was. Here, check this out.

Hi Ben two and half months from now,

How's college? How was your summer? Everything you expected? Well, I'm sitting here in your old room, looking around at the clothes cluttering you old bed. I actually just got back from taking cap and gown pictures at the Deportiva. Remember the Deportiva? Your not gonna see it for a long time, but I was there today. Well, I hope your enjoying yourself. See you today!

Look at that! My whole life is about to change, but am I ready? I have to go work this summer. I have to pay rent, cook food and "live on my own." Then! I move again! To NYC...In comes some excitement but also even more foreboding. Can I do that?

This is my mood-

Camping Times

I'm terribly tired, but tonight I think I have the right to be--I just got back from my last high school camping trip. I won't describe all that I did, but it's just interesting to see my life change.

I was sitting with my good buddy Isaac the first night out among the trees and stars discussing other camping trips and the differences between them and the present one--the different friends and people and the all the things we had done. Every memory brought a different feeling up to me; I could almost feel that I was back at the campsites of the years past. I could almost understand the me of back then. But then the images would pass for others and a different memories. And so it is, you can't ever go back, ha. (unless you have a time machine and I happen to know someone who knows someone) 

I guess this will happen all throughout my life. Oh! On a sillier note...

I found out that three girls like me! =) Not that that does much for me, but its always nice to know you're are appreciated. Two weeks till I graduate starting tomorrow; it feels like it should be tomorrow. 

Here's a song in the meantime-

Beginning is here.

I'm here. You're there. Hi!

So, after being persuaded to start a blog, I have started...

There should be something to set the board, shouldn't there? Some preliminary information of some sort, so that if you have the misfortune of reading this, you'll understand me.

I am Ben. I am a Christian. I am learning who I am. Heavy thoughts and observations come to me now and then and again, but for the most part, I'm just like you...unless you're a Genius. 

This is a bit different for me, you may catch me trying to be profound, being profound without knowing it or just being boring. Whatever the case, thanks for reading.

Presently, I'm in El Paso, waiting to leave for my home, but really, I am just waiting to leave for anywhere other than there. Even though that journey hasn't started yet, this one, the one you and I share here, on this almost entirely impersonal screen has begun.

Let's see where it will end.