still haven't found what im looking for

Back in Mexico I couldn't wait to move on. I was tired of the same old thing repeating. I was so ready to leave, to live on my own, to decide things for myself, to learn about who I am.

I was ready, but now I'm not so sure. I don't even understand why I'm here. Don't get me wrong. I love the city, I've made some friends, I like life, but I'm not satisfied. (C'mon Ben! You're in one of the most amazing cities in the world, full of life, full of ideas and culture...you're not satisfied?) Yeah, I'm a loser.

I want to do something different with my life. I feel like studying things that I don't care about while I'm accruing debt is wasting me and my time. Frankly I'd like to study music, practice, practice, so that someday I might write beautiful songs. That's what I really want.

Im thinking about the future. Whether I'm gonna look back on all this and see a waste. I don't want that to happen. No one wants to look at something they've invested time in, only to realize it's all wrong, or that it should have been done differently.

What if I'm not what society wants me to be? What if I'd rather be poor than rich? Dirty than clean? What if I hate commitment? What if I want life simple? No office desk and papers. No blackberry to call my business "buddies." No tickets to France for my wife and I on our two week vacation to get away from the kids. No man! I wanna live, not be what everyone else says is good for me.

A guitar and piano. A small apartment. Food in the fridge. A friend. Maybe a few dollars in a drawer. Why ask for any more?

This is such a short post compared to all the thoughts up in the brain.