I've been thinking about the importance of writing. Getting my thoughts down on paper or at least somewhere I can read over them again and again to sort out the jumble in my mind and life.

Loflin and I went out to Subway just two days ago and we talked about the heart. It is what directs a life. Fears, embarrassments, pains and joys all mix together and give substance to who I am. And underlying all these conditional parts of my heart is my soul, the one that God made, the one that sin can ruin or bring to an understanding of God Himself.

The darkness in mine wants so much to run rampant. To rage, to yell, to revel in itself. I see two hearts I can yield to--man's or God's. I don't know what will push me over either edge, instead I'm bouncing back and forth between the two. Lukewarm comes to mind.

Loflin later wrote me saying this.

"Maybe two of the most profound, yet simply phrases I keep on the forefront of my mind and heart are:
'Seek and you shall find'
'The truth shall set you free'"

I'm thinking.

january ferry

A couple of weeks ago me and a couple buddies took the ferry from Manhattan to Staten Island. This is the view of the city at about midnight. Not bad.

I admit I'm bad at blogging consistently...

Oh hai!
Awkwardly beginning again. I don't even know if I have anything worth saying right now. Maybe I don't at all.

Classes and money have been on my mind so much lately I can't think. I'm depressed and slightly resolved to do well this semester. Just think, when I was a little boy, I used to ride my blue bike around the house in the Sierra Madre without a care and then mom would make me a ppj when I came in hot and sweaty. Now, everyday, I walk down 6th Avenue, I go to class, I sit, and I leave maybe with a little more knowledge, unless instead I daydream about when I used to ride that little blue bike around the house... Then I get back to the apartment worrying about assignments and search for peanut butter and jelly in the cupboard. I'm still that kid, I just know more of good and evil and have more expected of me everyday.

What is my life all about? All the time I pretend that I have all the answers, my friends do the same. And doesn't everyone expect us to? Are we all just acting? I know I'm a fake. I do everything selfishly; I do everything with ulterior motives. I'm supposed to have my life wrapped up in a perfect package. Slacks and a collared shirts under argyle sweater vests are making me sick. The outside of me is nothing like the inside.

I'm not in love and I don't love. What does that even mean? How can I ever love someone. My insides are so dirty. How can God love this rotting corpse? My plotting spirit--selfish and fallen. I don't care for what He knows. I care about me.

Who knows, the only reason I could be writing this is that I want people to read it and think I'm infinitely honest. I'm selfish and proud.

This song makes me sad and wonder if I'll ever know someone, past my selfishness. The ending is messed up.

still haven't found what im looking for

Back in Mexico I couldn't wait to move on. I was tired of the same old thing repeating. I was so ready to leave, to live on my own, to decide things for myself, to learn about who I am.

I was ready, but now I'm not so sure. I don't even understand why I'm here. Don't get me wrong. I love the city, I've made some friends, I like life, but I'm not satisfied. (C'mon Ben! You're in one of the most amazing cities in the world, full of life, full of ideas and culture...you're not satisfied?) Yeah, I'm a loser.

I want to do something different with my life. I feel like studying things that I don't care about while I'm accruing debt is wasting me and my time. Frankly I'd like to study music, practice, practice, so that someday I might write beautiful songs. That's what I really want.

Im thinking about the future. Whether I'm gonna look back on all this and see a waste. I don't want that to happen. No one wants to look at something they've invested time in, only to realize it's all wrong, or that it should have been done differently.

What if I'm not what society wants me to be? What if I'd rather be poor than rich? Dirty than clean? What if I hate commitment? What if I want life simple? No office desk and papers. No blackberry to call my business "buddies." No tickets to France for my wife and I on our two week vacation to get away from the kids. No man! I wanna live, not be what everyone else says is good for me.

A guitar and piano. A small apartment. Food in the fridge. A friend. Maybe a few dollars in a drawer. Why ask for any more?

This is such a short post compared to all the thoughts up in the brain.

Guess wut?

I'm in NYC.

I've been here for almost two months. My bank account is running low. I have no job.

I think I'll take to playing ukelele in the subway.

Come and visit and we'll go to my favorite cafe in the Village.

This song is moving even though it's old.

A lot

I’m on my way to Nashville,the land of country music and I don’t know what else. Right now, I’m suspended over some fluffy looking white clouds and am about to descend into Dallas for my flight connection. The stewardess mentioned something about a change in flight connections, but I’m sure I’ll figure that out when I get down there. Probably doesn’t have anything to do with me anyway (hope so). Gotta land, be right back!

Okay. So now I’m on my second flight (everything worked out swimmingly), headed into the heart of Nashville. Should be there in less than two hours. This will be kinda a weird blog; its probably just gonna be a bunch of random thoughts compounding this last week (grad week) and whatever else I feel like. Ha!

(first thought) So. now that It’s all over with, looking back is interesting. Quick pictures flash through my mind. I can glimpse parts from the senior’s slide shows, all the people in front of me as I sit and they applaud, the after banquet party, playing pool, talking with good friends and then grad day----looking at the crowd of expectant faces as I walk through them, then giving my speech (embarrassing myself?) and staying up to eat three mini-burgers. Then skip ahead a little, finish packing all my stuff, (things I haven’t touched since fourth grade), driving up to El Paso, saying goodbye to my house, my city. My home! Then today, say goodbye to mom and dad, who have been by my side since, well, you know when.

(second thought) On my last flight, I sat next to a pleasant nasally voiced elderly woman. We didn’t talk much but towards the end of the flight, we started chatting about this and that. Half the time I wasn’t really sure what she was saying, she acted like I was part of her everyday life and new about all the things and places she was referring to. But why I bring this up is one thing she said to me. She mentioned that her son is an air-traffic controller. She said, “Our son is...” not “mine” but “our.” And it struck me, “what would that be like?” To have someone you’re so close to, even though he (for me she) isn’t present, you still include them in your conversations with strangers as if they were there. As if you are both the same person. Even though that day may come late for me, or never come, I look forward to it, if it does.

(third thought) Death Cab for Cutie won’t watch me die. But who will?

(fourth thought) Would God let two-hundred people die, just to gain the attention of one person who doesn’t know Him? I don’t know.

(fifth thought) I miss my friends. Isaac buddy, times have been awesome. I’m gonna miss you. (i’ll probably be in nashville) Emily, three years, through thick and thin, who’s gonna plan my life? (maybe you can do it long distance) Christy, who in NYC is gonna bring pictionary to Starbucks and make quirky maps? (thanksgiving plans must happen)

This is long.

Can we become sunshine?

I just found out that I love something. I've flirted with it before but have had little success. And to put it plainly our relationship has been a troubled one. But tonight I know!

I was standing out on a balcony looking over this huge city, and I had a few minutes to myself, just to think. No school, no music, and no friends. And that's when it happened. That's when I found out that I was in love with independence, freedom and being alone. What all those combined are I don't know but it's this feeling. I had the choice of staying on the balcony if I so wished, I could leave it, or could have even jumped off! It was all up to me and now I'm in love with doing what I want to do. To walk down a street by myself, to turn down a certain street instead of another simply because I want to. To suddenly stop and listen to the sound of the city or to break into a run and make people wonder why. Maybe this makes me a control freak? (orpossiblejustafreak)

Back to the balcony real fast. Anybody can decide where they want to go when they're on a balcony right? Of course! But, think about it, do they realize that?

And now my life is about to open up into a world of freedom. I can't wait! It's a little late and my thoughts might not be flowing, but this thought was important to me and I wanted to write it down. (however poorly written) It' gotta all fit together somehow...

Anyway, I'm pulling late-Ben-hours right now, so I need to go to bed.
Listen, this is freedom in music.