I admit I'm bad at blogging consistently...

Oh hai!
Awkwardly beginning again. I don't even know if I have anything worth saying right now. Maybe I don't at all.

Classes and money have been on my mind so much lately I can't think. I'm depressed and slightly resolved to do well this semester. Just think, when I was a little boy, I used to ride my blue bike around the house in the Sierra Madre without a care and then mom would make me a ppj when I came in hot and sweaty. Now, everyday, I walk down 6th Avenue, I go to class, I sit, and I leave maybe with a little more knowledge, unless instead I daydream about when I used to ride that little blue bike around the house... Then I get back to the apartment worrying about assignments and search for peanut butter and jelly in the cupboard. I'm still that kid, I just know more of good and evil and have more expected of me everyday.

What is my life all about? All the time I pretend that I have all the answers, my friends do the same. And doesn't everyone expect us to? Are we all just acting? I know I'm a fake. I do everything selfishly; I do everything with ulterior motives. I'm supposed to have my life wrapped up in a perfect package. Slacks and a collared shirts under argyle sweater vests are making me sick. The outside of me is nothing like the inside.

I'm not in love and I don't love. What does that even mean? How can I ever love someone. My insides are so dirty. How can God love this rotting corpse? My plotting spirit--selfish and fallen. I don't care for what He knows. I care about me.

Who knows, the only reason I could be writing this is that I want people to read it and think I'm infinitely honest. I'm selfish and proud.

This song makes me sad and wonder if I'll ever know someone, past my selfishness. The ending is messed up.