I've been thinking about the importance of writing. Getting my thoughts down on paper or at least somewhere I can read over them again and again to sort out the jumble in my mind and life.

Loflin and I went out to Subway just two days ago and we talked about the heart. It is what directs a life. Fears, embarrassments, pains and joys all mix together and give substance to who I am. And underlying all these conditional parts of my heart is my soul, the one that God made, the one that sin can ruin or bring to an understanding of God Himself.

The darkness in mine wants so much to run rampant. To rage, to yell, to revel in itself. I see two hearts I can yield to--man's or God's. I don't know what will push me over either edge, instead I'm bouncing back and forth between the two. Lukewarm comes to mind.

Loflin later wrote me saying this.

"Maybe two of the most profound, yet simply phrases I keep on the forefront of my mind and heart are:
'Seek and you shall find'
'The truth shall set you free'"

I'm thinking.

january ferry

A couple of weeks ago me and a couple buddies took the ferry from Manhattan to Staten Island. This is the view of the city at about midnight. Not bad.

I admit I'm bad at blogging consistently...

Oh hai!
Awkwardly beginning again. I don't even know if I have anything worth saying right now. Maybe I don't at all.

Classes and money have been on my mind so much lately I can't think. I'm depressed and slightly resolved to do well this semester. Just think, when I was a little boy, I used to ride my blue bike around the house in the Sierra Madre without a care and then mom would make me a ppj when I came in hot and sweaty. Now, everyday, I walk down 6th Avenue, I go to class, I sit, and I leave maybe with a little more knowledge, unless instead I daydream about when I used to ride that little blue bike around the house... Then I get back to the apartment worrying about assignments and search for peanut butter and jelly in the cupboard. I'm still that kid, I just know more of good and evil and have more expected of me everyday.

What is my life all about? All the time I pretend that I have all the answers, my friends do the same. And doesn't everyone expect us to? Are we all just acting? I know I'm a fake. I do everything selfishly; I do everything with ulterior motives. I'm supposed to have my life wrapped up in a perfect package. Slacks and a collared shirts under argyle sweater vests are making me sick. The outside of me is nothing like the inside.

I'm not in love and I don't love. What does that even mean? How can I ever love someone. My insides are so dirty. How can God love this rotting corpse? My plotting spirit--selfish and fallen. I don't care for what He knows. I care about me.

Who knows, the only reason I could be writing this is that I want people to read it and think I'm infinitely honest. I'm selfish and proud.

This song makes me sad and wonder if I'll ever know someone, past my selfishness. The ending is messed up.